please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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