Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
it was like eating out sand paper
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
