why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
