Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
