my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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