Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
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