We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
