so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
