i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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