I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
