It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
