Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
