All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
