There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
