"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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