she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
