I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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