So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
