And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Randomize
