Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
