his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
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