I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
