if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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