I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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