party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
