Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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