Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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