I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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