My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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