I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
