How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
