apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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