I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
