Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
