i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
