I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
