His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
