Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
