Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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