oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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