hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Randomize
