I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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