8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
