I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
