Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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