he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Also, beer. Big fan.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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