Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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