I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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