people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
