He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
