Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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