he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
