She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
